When I was 19, after waitressing all year before to save up as much money as I could, I went to New Zealand all by myself. It was a dream I knew I had to make come true, and I did. The urge to travel by myself, go to a country as far away as possible, live by the ocean and push myself out of my comfort zone, was building up for a while. As soon as I arrived and saw the ocean I felt this sense of being home. It was weird and new, at that point I had never felt anything like it and in the weeks to come this feeling of home only grew stronger. I met so many wonderful people, I would spent most time at the beach or being active when I wasn't in school and it didn't take long for me to fall in love with this one guy. Everything was amazing until I started getting these migraines. It started with one per week and eventually I had constant headaches (a 9 on a pain scale). And it only got worse, especially once I started travelling in a camper with three others for the coming weeks. It made no sense to me whatsoever why on earth when I felt most alive and happy that I was in so much pain. It didn't for almost a year and that's also how long I've lived with chronic headaches. I had to cut my trip shorter than planned, after stopping by at hospitals and doctors in bigger towns, taking strong painkillers to get through the days. I went home, heartbroken, depressed and so unbelieavably confused and scared. At that point I had no idea if it was something completely medical or mental. After a whole body scan, doing bloodwork which turned out to be all normal, trying out which pills worked for the migraines, I started going to an Osteopath who helped me. While it didn't make my headaches completely disappear, I learnt so much about my body and all the tension I was holding in places I thought felt normal. My ''normal'' was tensed up most of the day, bad posture and of course a whole lot of stored emotions in my body. It was at that point that I deeply got involved into a yoga practice, clean eating, stopped taking any pills that were prescribed to me, and I started seeing a therapist again. Because it was not only the physical pain that was hard to deal with, it was also a lot of emotional stuff my whole trip brought up. After eventually a whole year I was almost pain free again. I fell in love with my yoga practice and I could feel how much it was helping me. I was healing from all the painkillers they gave me still in New Zealand and then back at home and only tried natural remedies. Since then I have never been without yoga again, my practice and interest have only grown deeper and eating clean has changed my body as well as how I feel completely. In therapy I would have these dialogues with my pain/migraines, and I would ask myself why this pain arose in the middle of the most beautiful time and place. Where I was feeling so free and light, with no worries, far away from my past, even my family. What I then learnt about how migraines usually arise when you are relaxed, made so much sense. I was deeply relaxed there, for the first time ever probably I was truly happy and I felt so light. But so many things that happened in my childhood like my depressed father and the worries I had about him, my parents divorce or moving places, all came up. Or to simply say my highly sensitive character didn't shake the things named and many more just so easily off. It was all asking for my attention. And the truth is I didn't give it ever much attention, I had not known much about healing and what effect certain memories had on me. Now looking back it makes so much sense to me, but god did I not see this for a long time, because it hurt to realize this. It took a lot of courage from me to face it all and look at myself and how I was doing. Because I was hoping the pain was from a physical cause, I was so hoping it. But it wasn't. It was emotions stored in my body for a long time, coming up finally when I was in a good place, when I had the mental capacity and strength to deal with, heal and release them. And so I did.
Now I could go into depth about a whole lot of aspects from this time, which I will in other posts, but for now I wanted to share my story of my chronic pain. It was probably one of the most important times. I learnt so much about myself and it was the beginning of a healing journey and unpacking everything that wasn't mine to carry anymore. I am so immensely grateful for that time and I wouldn't change a thing about it. Pain was my greatest teacher, and it still is. It's in times of despair, pain, sadness, heartbreak and loss that we grow the most. They hold so much potential if you are willing to surrender and let it be for what it is.
You are stronger and braver than you could ever know and once you have to be you realize your strength. So if you are in a difficult place right now, know that you are not alone, even though it might feel as though you are, and trust that it will pass once it has taught you what you needed to know.
Let me leave you with this beautiful quote by Victoria Erickson
''Strength doesn't come from all that you hold.
It comes from what you unravel.
From what you give air.
From what you unfold.
It comes from all you pull from the depths of the seas
and simply place down on your shore.
Strength comes from allowing yourself
to be open,
and light again.
It comes from deciding not to carry
the dead weight of old storms anymore.''
From Larissa, with love
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